Blog Halloween Edition (More humour and blood!!)
Now Playing: with Two Ghost named bob.
Topic: Work Rants
First off, HAPPY FUCKIN HALOWEEN PEOPLE!! Due to the occasion I am sitting in my USH Zone (I’m not defining that, you should all know by now) in a bleach costume that I made yesterday. Oh! It should be noted that this is the 100th post on this blog *applauses* We need to have cake *virtual cake is passed out* EAT UP!! Mmm…pretend cake….*droll* Anyways, On to the post!

Heather’s adventures in cosplay!

Ah, the joys and sorrow that only cosplay can inflict—usually more of the latter (in my opinion). I actually went completely mad yesterday attempting to make the pants for my Death God costume (think samurai pants).

SIDENOTE: If it ever crosses your mind to make pants instead of purchasing them…SLAP yourself several times and walk your creative ass to the mall! ‘cause it’s NOT WORTH IT! Oh, you’ll be all satisfied with yourself that you made something (possible saving yourself a few bucks) but really you’ll just be a cracked shell of your former self.

Lori came down as I was trying to figure out what piece of the pant connects to another piece (there were four pieces). VERY complicated process when your fabric is dark, huge, all the same color and the pattern you're using was drawn with a yellow highlighter. I was attempting to pin the crack of the ass part when I just lost it! Like really cracked--I snapped. This was after 10 hours of sewing, fucking up, taking the seam out, then re-sewing, and then fucking up again. I just went screw ball crazy! I mean laughing like a mad woman crazy! Lori joined in because she thought I’d lost it (which I had) and it even got Mich to come up from the dank hole and inquire to what was my “issue” I couldn’t inform her that I was having a nervous break down ‘cause I was cook-cook crazy laughing at the moment.

The laugh fit (along with crazy eyes and body twitches) lasted about 20 minutes. You’d think after that I’d be rejuvenated and ready to tackle the pants BUT we live in the real world where all that fancy heart-felt movie magic crap don’t exist so really I was right back where I started with less of my sanity and no really direction or reason to live.

Oh, you want to know about the finished product, well I over-estimated the crack of my ass (which was really one of the main causes of the aforementioned melt-down.) therefore, I can’t run, or briskly walk because the crutch of the pants is about 5 inches from the floor (seriously) but seeing as they’re 20 times to big and black you don’t really notice HURRAY dark fabric that’s hiding my fuck up!

So, you have to picture me right now, the ONLY person in a costume sitting in my cubical trying not to make eye contact 'cause I just can't take another "what are you supposed to be." This whole Idea of dressing up sounding better in my head.

That Religious Guy

When I posted the blog on my Co-workers I forgot this guy--really he was just a no-name on my radar but seeing as he decided to enter my USH zone and converse with me today he’s now included and dubbed “That’s Religious Guy” Now, first off, to save myself the bible thumper backlash I have NOTHING (please make a note of that on your What Would Jesus Do stationary) against religious people. BUT (big but) when you come over and start a conversation with a dressed up co-worker on the evils of Halloween I’m going to think you’re a bit on the coo-coo side. Umm...I’m dressed up, I’m eating Rocket candy, and I’m mum..ahin’ every thing you say so you’ll go away and you think I’m going to agree with you that Halloween is all about devil worship and Satanism, riiiiight. Big clue buddy, can’t see how you missed it HELLO, I’M IN A COSTUME!! *sigh* I was laughing inside, mostly, but then he said something that made me do an “OH no you didn’t!”

Me: ah, umm..*nod*
Religious Guy: and you know it’s all devil worship!
Me: um-uh *roll eyes*
Religious Guy: it’s getting bad with Wicca and all this devil stuff
INNER ME: *blink blink* WHAT! Rewind! oh, you didn't just say that!!

Apparently, I must have missed that verse in the bible where Jesus denounced tolerance of others. Let’s all be Judgmental and ignorant ‘because that’s what Jesus would do! Moron *groan* Like it would kill him to research a bit and find out that Wicca has NOTHING to do with the devil (sorries, sorries, Former Wiccan here, still have that boo-to-fundamental-Christians thing).

I'm a dumb ass

All in all, today has been fun...well other than forgetting my wallet and having to beg Jeanie to come give me some money 'cause I didn't bring a lunch. I take back anything bad I EVER said about you, Jeanie (not that I ever did *goes to edit some pervious posts*) You're the best!! *eats her veggie patty* mmmmmm.....

Heather's latest medical problem!
Now Playing: BITE ME BITE ME BITE ME! then go bite my sister.
Topic: Work Rants
Well, I’m just full of ailments lately, eh. I really don’t want to be dudded a hypochondriac but when little shock pain-spasms distract me from completed my pointless job I think it’s time to address the problem with out fear of reprisal. I have this rash on my back—its itchy as HELL! As well as sore from me scratching the crap out of it. So, now my back is all itchy and I can’t fucking scratch it! AUGH!! I blame some nameless piece of clothing with polestar in it.

!!!!!DIE POLESTAR DIE!!!!!!

I can’t sit comfortably in my chair because of it. If I try, my back touches the fabric of my shirt and it rubs. The rubbing irritates the rash which signals the nerves to tell the brain that “this shit needs a scratchin’” Then my stupid compliant hand impulsively reaches behind and scratches that part of my back. The nerves then realize the mistake and send another signal up to the brain reporting the rash has a defense mechanism: Pain, with a endearing message from the redish bastard of "Up Yours!"

So, I’m sitting here...oh just take a minute to picture it: my back is curves like I have a hump I can’t support and I’m leaning over the keyboard like I’m trying to let one rip...SO, yeah, BINGO heather AGAIN looks like an idiot at work. I think the only reason I’m have not been fired is ‘cause I provide SO much entertainment to these people. Not to quote my rash but “Up Yours” Samsung!!

Elastic Fun at Work!!!
Topic: Work Rants
Edit: Names have been removed.

Okies, I think I’ve corrupted the Ass kisser (read My co-workers). Anyways, out of complete boredom Kiss Ass and I came up with the idea to shoot an electric band at Paul, another co-worker. I’ll narrate!

SITE NOTE: Personally, I think about maiming many many people on a daily basis working for Samsung –not really Samsung’s doing I think I’m just a horrible person *evil grin*

Paul passes by to talk to someone in another cubical behind ours. AssKisser and I make eye contact, AssKisser does a pretend shooting electric gesture, and I give the thumbs up. Plan is all set! Paul took like an hour blah blah blahing to some no-body behind us while Asskisser and I rolled our eyes and made “oh, come on” impatient sighs every few seconds. Then Paul moved…slowly towards Us--the room went silent! Time slowed! Then he passed me. AssKisser leaned back in his chair and aimed the elastic.

*Cheesy French accent* OH! The anticipation!

AssKisser throws the elastic!! I’m dieing from laughter as it hits Paul square in the ass and bounces back onto Asskisser's desk. Then the Kicker, He says in a very disappointed tone:

AssKisser: “You didn’t even flinch?”
Paul: “I thought it was your hand again”

HAHAHAHAHA, I’m serious he said that! With a straight face! HAHAHAHAHA!!

KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME (or just poke me with a stick)
Topic: Work Rants
I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home, kill me, kill me, kill me…

I really could go on for hours with this—I need some coffee...or something. My tummy hurt even thou I didn’t eat one damn milk product (and NO it’s not woman things either) it just feels icky. I’m wearing stockings (to keep warm) and their ICHY as hell!! And My head hurts from looking at this screen!! Though, despite all the little annoyances I’m having I am having a really nice hair day. Anyways, I continue to eat these pumpkin seed I bought downstairs even thou they’re salty as hell. I get bored and then pop another into my mouth—I don’t even noticed I’m doing it until the over-salted piece of crap touches my tongue. I’m a moron—end of story.

I want to go home! FUCK! I’m all stocked up for the Naruto Drinking game—Mudslides and Bacardi Breezer--

SIDE NOTE: Rules to the game: Two hits if any character says Naruto (it’s irritates me to NO end how many times they say the little buggers name) and one hit if Naruto says “Believe it.” (His English catch verse).

BAH!! AUGHH!! RARRR!! I can’t take it!! I’m SO bored!! This week was going so well too! I had work to do but it’s all dieing down again!! FUCK!! DAMN IT!!!AUGHH! *moku has a nervous breakdown*

One word: FIRE DRILL!
Now Playing: boo-gaa-paa--pee-pee--doo-doo
Topic: Work Rants
I was informed yesterday that we would be having a fire drill *sigh* ah, the pointlessness. I assumed with the rainy weather it was cancelled. So, when the bell did ring we were all a bit surprised. I was like “what the fuck is that noise?” then a muffled voice comes on informing me that we must leave the building, “oh! Yeah, Right, Duh…where are my shoes?” *puts shoes on* I walked casually over to check on Ms.Samsung Selfrigious and Abby the life line (in a real emergency I’d just take my chub butt and high-tail it outta there but really there was no need in this situation to exercise good “self-preservation”) where I caught the tail-end of Self-Rightious's conversation with a costumer:

Ms.Samsung: I have to go, sorry, fire…
Customer: Okay, I’ll call back later

WTF?!! Call back? The building might be in flames here, buddy! HELLO! What’s she gonna do? Take her third-degree burned ass back to work to receive your call-back..ah..then again..this IS Morally superior Mrs. Samsung Self-rightious.

Anyways, we all calmly followed the “assistant fire marshals” (really, just co-workers pre-assigned to wear reflective yellow and orange neon vests. to evacuate the building via the stairs. Despite constant gridlock at ever fuckin' floor we all made it down the stairs--I think. Truefully, I wasn’t paying much attention and neither were our “helpful” assistant fire marshals. In a real fire it’s safe to say we’re all fucked.

I don’t know how it happened but I lost track of our yellow/orange vested life lines, which isn’t hard when EVERY floor has the same bloody vests! Who thought that up! Great idea, Genius, I’m now following 50 IncroMicro employees to the wrong check point as Samsung is getting ready to send my family a ham as I’m obviously a causality of the blaze. *rolls eyes*

I did indeed find the check point after following The AssKisser (who also didn’t know where to go but was following someone from our company who was following someone who—thank god—did). We waited here for about five minutes then walked backed to the building adding to my previous assumption that fire drills are POINTLESS.

Now, our building houses a good number of people—apparently lazy-ass people—so the crowd for the elevator was HUGH! I was NOT about to wait hours for the elevator (I’m more impatient than lazy, I suppose) SO I opted for the stairs...all 9 flights *bangs head* stupid *bang* stupid! Dragging Mrs.Samsung Self-rightious and Abby the life line with me.

By the 8th floor I was crawling (literally) hand and knee while some loser from the ten floor (yeah, one of those high-ups assholes) was repetitively telling me to “hold the bar, gotta balance with the bars, ladies” I was like *pant, pant* “fuc….” *pant pant* “u..you.” My only satisfaction was in the knowledge when I reached the ninth floor and knew that bastard had another flight to go “haha! Take that! Ya, son of bitch!”

After retiring to my chiar (which was more like a flop, bounce and a sigh of relief) My whole ordeal was completed! I didn't even fight back when Petro Canda (my Boss) come up (20 minutes later) looking at my sweaty, tired, flushed face and said “you took the stairs!” and placing an “L” on his forehead. Yeah, I am, but I'm in my chair now! My USH zone! *tongue out* you can't touch me! HAHA *mad laugher con't*

THE END!

Samsung Meetings
Now Playing: with dead people and they're funner (not a word I know) than you!
Topic: Work Rants
This morning we had another pointless meeting I’ve dubbed “Isn’t it nice to know there are people more incompetent than we are.” Basically, our department has been Out-Sourcing--dumping calls (that don’t get answered in 5 minutes) off on another call-center in the states--to relieve our load. “In Theory.”

What is really happening? Well the five weeks of training we’ve giving these fuckers seems to be on how to use the transfer button ‘cause all they seem to be doing is escalating the calls back to us! The kicker is when the transferred call is returned to us that call takes priority over new callers, therefore all the new calls on our boards have to wait (yeah, for more than five minutes) then they get sent to the US out-sourcing company…*clap clap* so it’s back to square one again.

SIDE NOTE: Being a non-customer support agent in a call centre is fun, I tell ya. I get to sit back and laugh at this—while my fellow employees are about two seconds from a melt-down. : P

It was nice to have a meeting thou where we weren’t the one’s being chastised (of course not directly…never, ever, directly) for being incompetent! “NOW go and pat yourself on the back because we just found out someone sucks more than you! And we have 20 PowerPoint slides to prove it!”

Which bring me to the rules of the Samsung meeting?

Rule one: One thing about Samsung’s meetings MUST have PowerPoint slides! This Slide MUST have at least a million numbers, figures, and percentages that NO one understands to prove a point NO one cares about.

Rule Two: Someone will say something intelligent but everyone but one will understand and they will bugger back and forth until someone steps in to explain--this happens EVER bloody time, I swear. Usually it’s caused by one of the 10th floor high-ups putting their fingers in their ears singing “lala, I can’t heat you, lalala, you’re beneath me, lalalala” followed by a click and a new slide explaining NOTHING and confusing everyone even more.

Rule Three: “Any Questions?” will ALWAYS been accompanied by silence…and possibly a tumble weed.

Rule Four: All problems can be explained away with “The customer is stupid” not maybe you misunderstood them, or they really can’t find the “on” button no just plain “the Customer is one dumb shit”

Rule Five: As boring and pointless as the meetings are there is silver lining: Most meetings come with provisions in the form of coffee and doughnuts or have the promise of food at the end of the paining boredom.

Rule Six: They NEVER have anything to do with me EVER! It?s always useless knowledge that only concerns the call center reps or no one at all and we?re all just subjected to the boredom for no good reason.

Friday Boredom can lead to serious retardness
Now Playing: BAHH! I say!
Topic: Work Rants

I hate Fridays, nothing to do—I’ve learn to amuse myself thou, mostly through VERY unprofessional means. Just spent an hour writing a stupid story, play...not really sure what to call it. You can check it out here. Yeah, I’m that bored…

I ate some M&Ms for Breakfast and now (Uh-uh, you’ve guessed it) I ‘m sick. Damn lactose intolerance!! Damn you to hell!! *sigh* why is it so hard for me to remember those pills, oh right, I’m cheap and forgetting is actually subconscious cheapness ‘cause those pills are SO expensive. Damn non-lactose intolerance Nazi corporations!!

Well, I’ll end here since nothing is happening here and I’m babbling. *waves*

Profanity can be fun especially at work!
Now Playing: *smacks self* I can't listen to music at work...meh.
Topic: Work Rants
Edit: This is the 90th post!! HURRAY!!! *mich's yells "pie for everyone"* NO WAIT! that's my PIE!!

I’ve been having the BEST two days at work! Petro Canada gave me the assignment yesterday of dealing with the constant profanity we’ve been getting on the FAQ page. You know stuff like “shit phone” “this site is crap” sort of stuff--Which we both really find hilarious but it's not getting any hits. So, I was asked to make an answer--like “thank you for your comment” or whatever, a rule (I'm not explaining this it's programming BS I don't understand anyways), and "hit" words *rubs hand* this is where the fun began!!

I got to spend two hours thinking up swear words and miss-spellings of swear words that I grouped together in a synonym category under “Profanity.” To link to the half-assed answer I just wrote--which really does start off saying "thank you for your comment" Bahahahahahah!

I even got my co-workers to help!

ME: *ringing* Hey, Abena, I need some swear words
Abby: got bitch
ME: *looks* yeah, god that one…
Abby: ah…you got asshole
ME: DUH, how did I forget asshole! Thanks! *hang up*

OH, I found a useless hidden talent for coming up with good combo swears I never knew I had. Petro's personal favorite was “whore ass” *pats self on the back* I told you I was good at combos. :P I think I shocked him when he looked though my list of "hit" words—everyone thinks I’m so innocent, Riiiight! Yeah, little prissy heather knows words like “cock sucker” OH MY! lol. I really think it was the fact that a girl actually wrote “cunt” that surprised them the most—I don’t know why thou, I thought “cock mother fucker shit” was WAY more offensive *shrug* Boys. :P

Two posts in one day does that make up for not posting last time? *everyone yells "NO"* Jeez, okay, okay *mutters to self* you ppl need lives. pff.

They?ve won me over with food.
Now Playing: "Is that your heart I just stabbed with a butcher knife" teehee. :P
Topic: Work Rants

We were sent an E-mail on Thursday Morning saying that all SECA (Samsung Canada) employees were to report to the 9th floor boardroom at 4pm for a gift. I raised an eyebrow at what Samsung would concern a gift since all I’ve received so far was a pen that gave out in a week and a keycard clip that everyone says is crap (my keycard is still attached..OMG!! It just fuckin’ broke!! I’m serious!! AUGHH!)

Side whine about my broken keycard clip.

WAHH!! My keycard clip!! NOOO!!! I loved it! It had this string that extended so I didn’t’ have to unclip it. Last week I noticed the string was thinning but I didn’t think it would break *sniff sniff* in the middle of the above last sentence I was just playing with it and SNAP it became a flying projectile. I know Upstairs wont give me a new one! (They said so when they gave it to me) Well I’ll just wear the Samsung clip-part like an idiot and look retarded—maybe someone from HR will pity me and give me a new one.

Back to “They won me over with food”

Anyways, I was skeptical of this supposed “gift” and so were many other employees. We started the office gossip ring to find out any details—even sent spies upstairs to see if any upper management-type would give us a few hints (yeah, we have THAT much time on our hands). All we got was it might be pie. I was happy with that thou (Free food around here is sort of Samsung’s trademark) nothing special *strung* but not bad. So, we all got back to work satisfied with out upcoming pastry party at 4.

Around 3:45 I didn’t smell any pie so I thought the rumor was a fake…damn it I wanted PIE! Then my boss gets up and points at me and sternly say “You, get in there” (my desk is right next to the 9th floor boardroom) I was like WHAA! I’m in trouble!! BUT BUT WAHH!! I wanted Pie!! Did I do something bad and now we’re not getting pie? My fear grew as my boss yelled at each person in our department to get into the boardroom. What? We all did something bad, now NO ONE gets pie?

I walk (half ran) into the boardroom in a panic to not piss off my boss more and was welcomed with a loud “Happy Thanksgiving” WOW! Wait a minute here! What’s going on! I look down and on the table was PIE!! But not eatable pie, frozen Still-in-the-cardboard-packaging pie (INNER HEATHER: awww...that’s so nice of them but DAMN IT DAMN IT! I wanted pie!). I was even MORE shocked to see gift cards. We all lined up like piece-workers: Table one, find you name; Table two, get a $25 gift card to the grocery store; Table Three: 25 pound enormous frozen pie.

I’m happy to conclude, I now like my job—or at least the company I work for. *sign* they won me over with food, THOSE bastards!!

What makes a mircowave blow up?
Now Playing: nadda nothing ZIPPO!
Topic: Work Rants

My boss’s logic makes me laugh sometimes. Here is a quick conversation I just over-heard between a Call Centre guy (I haven’t learned everyone’s name yet…yeah I’ve worked here for 3 month, SO WHAT!) and my boss:

Boss: what’s the problem [call centre guy’s name]?
Call Centre Guy: Customer said his microwave blew up
Boss: No, Correction, the product inside the microwave blew up.
Call Centre Guy: But the door flew off!
Boss: Exactly, proves my point *walks always from confused call centre guy*

Isn't that classic!!! I was like, what is this boy guy going to tell the customer now!!! Sorry, but Samsung wont help you ‘cause you obviously didn’t realize that bombs will blow up when heated. HELLO! After 30 minutes in a microwave I only managed to melt a plastic bowl once! And that was only the bottom. Now, save for the burnt smell the microwave was undamaged.

But it makes you wonder what DID this person put in the microwave to make the bloody door blow off. I’m kind of curious now—sort of feel like testing out my theories in the lunch room…heehee.