Gay Porn my ASS!
Topic: My life (outside of work)
Oh my god, this day is going by so slow..or maybe ‘cause I’m knee deep in mucus, fucking cold. Anyways, on with today’s post!The Yaoi movie that made heather go, WTF?
So, yesterday I decided my sick ass needed some entertainment before I passed out for the night so I thought, why not watch the Yaoi (boy//boy relationship) movie I downloaded a few days earlier. The movie’s title was Boku wa Kono Mama Kaeranai, meaning Our Road of No return, yeah it’s a retarded title, I can only assume the relevance is loss in translation ‘cause that title means dick even after watching the movie. Now I’m sure you’ll all disgusted with heather’s exploits into the unknown territory of gay loving but when it’s a toss between Friends re-runs and gay loving, sorry Jennifer Anderson but I’m opting for the fudge-packers.
Two seconds into the film I get a neon warning cautioning me that gay porn is a coming! Say what now?!! I should point out (before you all start avoiding me) that this was not porn, at least I wasn’t aware that I downloaded porn. It was suggested that it a “love story” Big neon warning sign two seconds into a film make you think you’re two seconds away from gang-banging action. So, Now, I was expecting “some” serious sexual activity, not some dry humping action with a nipple here and there, I was expecting penises flying in every direction pornography! Not that I was looking to get excited over a cartoon soft-core prono but I wanted something, you know, now that they got my mind in the gutter with that warning. But sadly that is not what moku got..boo. Basically, I could have gotten more action from watching simulated sex scenes on prime time television hearing the humping noises and mentally picturing the two main characters doing the horizontal tango.
Now, I read the synopsis, there was supposed to be a plot, I repeat I was promised a fucking plot! Now I know I had a fever but trust me I was coherent enough to turn my computer on I’m coherent enough to detect a plot, which this movie DID NOT have. Fucking synopsis is a lying sack of herpes, it is. Of course it took watching all 45 minutes of it to realize it had no plot, so I’ll have to break it down for you, ‘cause you need to realize how much I regret wasting forth-five minutes of my life on this non-porn boredom of a movie.
Okies, so after the “Gay Porn's a Coming” warning it flips to a chick, yeah a chick! The first screen in this supposed gay porn is a chick, oh the irony. We see her run off towards the main character, Ritsurou, or gay boy number one, who is a complete closet homo. What! Gay boys got a girlfriend! WFT? After a torturingly long talk between the two you realize the girlfriend is lonely ‘cause she ain't getting the love from Closet Gay Boy 1 (surprise, surprise, wake up and smell the Barbara Streisand records, you fucktard!). Next screen lonely clueless girlfriend is trying to call her gay boyfriend from a payphone on the street (why she’s on the street using a payphone and not her own home phone is never explained…maybe the clueless bitch is homeless.) Anyways, out of no where Ken, Gay boy number two, enters the story leaning on a building looking all smexy. So, of course, lonely girlfriend and gay boy # 2 do the nasty BUT you only hear about it. Yeah, while Ken is getting it on with the girlfriend we get to see dramatic scenery NOT tits, asses, or any sexual activity! NOPE! Its cherry blossom and different angles of angsty Closet gay boy 1 walking arround town oblivious to the major fucking we’re not allow to see.
Closet homo finds out the gay boy two slept with his girlfriend. How? that’s never explained either, he’s just flippin’ physic *rolls eyes* So, closet homo tries to beat the shit out of his bud, yeah, apparently their best friends! Oh burn! But I stopped feeling sorry for closet gay after he had a another long boring convo with his girlfriend saying how he wasn’t pissed at her ‘cause gay boy # 2 always steals his girlfriends…ah wait a minute here, he steals all your girls and you’re still friends? You’re both obvious homosexuals who want to jump each other’s bones but your fighting over a girl *rubs head* this movie makes my head hurt!
Moving on, during the fight Gay boy 2 kisses Closet homo, which of course our sexually confused closet homo enjoys but runs off like a little bitch ‘cause “he’s not gay!” blah blah, right, you’re complete hetro…*pff*
Flash forward with a few more cherry tree screens and head shots of the retardedly lame love triangle and Closet homo is still with Clueless retard, apparently they worked things out, and they’re trying to have sex as Closet homo needs to prove to himself he’s a straight man. At this point half the movie is over and I haven’t seen one naughty body part, god damn it! So, I’m like OH YEAH baby! But alas, closet gay just can’t go through with it…having sex with a willing young girl is just too hard (god! Why did I continue to watch this movie!).
Well, you can’t perform sexually and you’re feeling down, where do you turn? To Gay boy number two! Closet gay knocks on the door, oh, no answer…wait, the door is open, why don’t I just walk in and proceed to the bed room. Closet gay looks around and what does he find? Just gay boy 2 in the buff all bondaged up! NOW that’s what I’m talking about! Now, Closet gay’s expression SHOULD be priceless right? WRONG! He just walks in calmly picks up the load of cash on the floor and says “I thought you were going to stop this?” WHAT! No mention was EVER made that Gay boy 2 was a man-whore..yeah, you saw a dozen scenes with him walking the streets look all smexy but I thought that’s just the “gay thing” to do. Damn it more missed opportunities to see the male member. Oh and if you thought I saw anything that would justify that “gay porn” warning in the beginning of the film NOPE! Just his ass. For some reason (I can’t remember I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie at this point) the two start fighting, verbally this time. Closet gay stalks off like a little bitch, AGAIN!
Scenery and imagery of time passing that would make a university film major jealous wastes ten more minutes of my life when "3 month later" caption would have worked better and saved the last of my patience with this crap movie.
Flash to boring dialogue between girlfriend and closet gay where we find out – girlfriend must have pulled this info out of her ASS ‘cause no where in the ten minute scenery shots did they show this – that Gay boy 2 is moving to Singapore. Closet gay is like “NO! I have to go make up with him!” and off he runs *smacks head on desk* He is such a little bitch!
Long story short, without any ANY nudity gay boy one and two do the nasty and are now in love. Oh my god! I just didn’t see that happening *rolls eyes* and off they go to tell clueless girlfriend ‘cause apparently she’d like to know right away! But before they can tell her she comes riding up on a bike and sees the two kissing. And what does she do kiddies? She goes riding off like a little bitch! I swear I was chanting “get hit by a bus! Please get hit by a bus!” I hated her so much, clueless fucktard.
So, following the structure of this movie, something dramatic happens must be followed by pointless scenery indicating passing of time.
First day of the new school year (what year? who know!), Clueless fucktard has cut her hair to show she's sad (aww..fucking loser)and tells Closet gay that she’s sorry she cheated but she’s happy he knows what it feels like to have his heart broken cause she’s all angsty blah blah, moving on..she runs off like a little fucking bitch for the last time HURRAY! Closet gay walks over to see his class schedule not fazed at all by ditz head’s proclamation and in enters Gay boy number three! Whispering to closet gay that he had fun or whatever with Gay boy 2. Then some imagery for another four minutes, a shot of each character and the movie is officially over! And heather is left thinking WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!
What was the purpose of Gay Boy # 3! He was in for 2.5 seconds, says something that opens a WHOLE can of worms then BOOM movie over! but more importantly where was the PORN! I didn't expect porn since this isn't supposed to be a porno movie but don't flash WARNING WARNING PORN! when the worst we see is a bare ass! We didn't even see the fucktard girlfriends jugs! I saw her half double A bra for a second, what is the PG-13! I'm done, I'm offically done with this movie..I will now forget it.. Laugh and then forget it. 'cause it just isnt worth anymore of my time.
Posted by Moku-Sama
at 4:34 PM EST
Updated: Monday, 9 January 2006 12:56 PM EST