And here I thought Gay-no-porn was boring, I was wrong so very wrong?
Topic: My life (outside of work)
I dragged my sick ass to my first day at driving school Saturday morning expecting to be dubbed
“germ-bag” girl but it seems the Brampton’s sick population like to torture them selves 9 o clock on Saturday’s as well with a little driving 101. So I wasn’t blacklisted for the horse coughing and mucus sniffing and that’s where the pluses end, my friends..not that you can call being packed in a tiny room with 10 other fevering bodies breathing in germ infested circulated air a plus..but it’s the only semi-upside experienced at Ultimate Drivers.

I get it! You’re not PC

Hurray for me in getting the “Yeah, I’m cool, I’m just like you…only 30” teacher ‘cause that just made a lame experience even lamer. My instructor was Greg, who liked to say “Sorry, I’m not politically correct” every three sentences when he didn’t even say anything offensive. I mean, if he said “yeah, them niggers” I’d understand but he was like “my neighbor is a bit *takes five minutes to think of a word* “he’s a bit robust” then say, “sorry I should’ve warned you I’m not PC” *rolls eyes* oh, yeah, you’re the next Howard Stern. A mild annoyance but after 100th time I just wanted to scream “I get it you’re not PC, can we move on now!” Of course moving on meant moving on to the lesson, and that was death!

Lesson one: Road Rage

What did heather learn about Road Rage, let me get my notes *gets notes* okay, here we go…I learned, doodle of a cat…two anime “kill me now” drawings and an entire page of flowers. Okies, I fess up I didn’t take down notes, why would I? Everything was summed up in the movie: Road Rage equals bad! The End.

Lesson Two-Four: *shrug*

Beats me 'cause I was half a sleep in a feverish blur. But I was able to pass the test at the end using common sense. When in doubt cirle "all of the above" A guy that isn't cleaver enough to realize he is PC but conintues to say otherwise isn't cleaver enough to think up a trick "all of the above" question.

Driving School Videos

God where do I start with the videos. I suppose with the first one I was forced to endure

Video 1: Road Rage

Fat balding white collar dude, oh, excuse me, that’s not PC, I mean Mr. Fuck does it matter gets into his car. Two seconds into driving something royally pisses him off – this is called Road Rage, by-the-way – and he starts beating his horn and yelling…okies, I see, where their going with this video, Rage in your car is bad *clap clap* I’ve learn my lesson now press stop…oh! There’s more to learn! The Road Rage dude is seriously honking up this idling mini van when out of the blue the guy comes out of his van with a fucking tire iron! Yeah, he just happens to have a tire iron right there in his lap ‘cause you never seen him go to the trunk to get anything and smashes the shit outta Mr. Fuck does it matter’s car! Once and for all proving two road ragers don’t mix. I’m so enlightened.

Video Number Two: The Mullet-con says keep Canada beautiful

This one was about fuel emissions and saving the environment *under breath* damn you Greenpeace. This movie had a host and since he looked like an Ex-con and sporting a mullet we’ll call him Mullet-Con. Now you’d think a short film with a tattooed muscle man teaching me how to conserve gas would be funny as hell but seriously it was just lame and sad, ‘cause you knew Mullet-Con was just doing this to get a lighter sentence on a DUI. I blocked most of this movie out (the mullet was too distracting, sorry) so I really can’t explain what happened other than Mullet-Con seriously recommends what ever the hell he recommends in order to keep Canada beautiful.

Video Number three: Holy Smashing Car Phones Batman!

I think I can learn a lot of the 80s, certain things never change BUT a lot of shit does, like the law. In this video we learn what to do if we come across a car accident. The movie, being all 80s and ignorant, instructs us to help the injured people in the car – say what now? Doesn’t that leave me open to being sued? Oh, no no the film says, you wont get sued *cough* MY ASS! Then they say to call 911 at a near by house or on your Car phone. Car phone? You’re shitten me right, they thought that the car phone would last the test of time enough to mention it in a movie they obviously knew they’d be keeping for a while. And this ladies and Gentlemen is the Driving School heather picked out of the fast amount of school in Brampton. But I did learn one thing from the movie, moaning car crash victims are so funny, their over-acting moaning sounded more like grunting animal sex. Heehee.

Well, that wraps up the movies (I think there was one more but I forgot what it was about) and I didn’t learn diddly.

The Fucktard in my class

The six hours I spend at Ultimate Driver might not have been so horrible, even with the 80s crap driving school flicks and the PC instructor but then you have to factor in the rest of the class, the fucktards: Ages ranging from 15-20 with the maturity level of three. Actually the girls were fine, dumb as a brick but not all together unpleasant (meaning I could ignore them) but the boys *sighs* if only I had the Tire Iron.

Well, I have to cut this short, its 4:15 and I have to edit this and I have some work to finish up before I’m off to another wonderful adventure at Driving School.

Moku out